I wasn't thrilled on the morning of my A World Without Color book launch. Even though I was up until 3.40 am waiting to see when it would be live and available for purchase I fell asleep before that happened. In the morning, I continued with my daily activities: vacuum cleaning, dusting, texting with my friends who were more excited than me that my book was live on Amazon, tweeting.
I felt calmness holding onto the vacuum cleaner. Focused on sucking in the dirt, I felt enormous relief that one part of this long journey was over. Yet I have to finish the paperback book and then collect as many good reviews as possible, but in the morning of my book launch I left myself to calmness.
Nobody knew how hard it was and how well I faked it. I can be a great Pagliacci. A perfect pretender. Screams and cries and tears and sobs I killed within me, because if I gave in to my emotions even for a second longer, I would be done. I would be catapulted back to the day when Marcel died... when we killed him.
It is such a thin line between grief and happiness, an invisible flight of a grain of dust from one part of the room to another.... Do you also know how hard it is to be happy when your heart wants to bleed into nothingness?
Two days later after the Saturday of July 1, 2017, I returned to my daily job full time. Four months during which I worked only part-time were over, not that I was too happy about it. But hard days at work are before us and I have to leave my baby, right after its birth, and tend to other things. I can only hope it won't suffer too much, that I will get it a decent life and exposure.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Yeah, I know I can count the days of the week, but the point is that after those super-crazy-busy days at work came Friday. And my trip to Sweden. A comforting thought of my land of refugee that has lived in the back of my mind for a couple of months already came to life. I barely had time to think of it, let alone rejoice it, between my daily work and my self-publishing efforts.
Now it is here. Sweden and my book together. Even if I planned it that way....
Not even the best marketing plans and experts can predict the future. No one can guarantee things will happen that way, the way we want them. No online lectures and marketing gurus can prepare us for the twists and turns that will happen when life decides to shows us who directs the order in the universe and where our role is in a bigger plan. We can only try, do whatever we can and hope for the best.
Sweden is on my plate now. I will breathe it with every pore on my skin. Its smells, its beauty, its calmness and order. Two weeks I will live by the order of another universe and I am determined to be happy. My down-to-earth and supercool friends Claire and Tommy are with me and they will make sure I recover from the accumulated stress and remember again that there is life outside of constant work and that it can be beautiful.
Like Sweden, like my book, like you my friends. I will be on a summer vacay on the north of Europe, but I won't forget you. This is where tweets, texts and e-mails prove their worthiness. Maybe that is the greatest value of social networking.
BJ
